Destroying Me

A little bit of poorly written venting. As a bit of a back info, I have a pen-pal of sorts that I've known for at least three years now if not more who, despite distance and no actual physical contact, I have more or less fallen for. I know, I know. Stupid thing to do over the internet. I'm trying to get over her as best I can. For one, while she knows how I feel (or felt. I dunno if she is aware that I STILL feel this way), she sees me only as a friend. For another, it's long distance. But it's difficult for me. I'm demisexual and as such, I don't really feel this way towards anyone else though maybe someday I will. Problem is, we'll go months without talking and I'll finally get to the point that I feel fine about it and don't hurt at all thinking about it and suddenly, E-mail! Sometimes I feel like I'm getting yanked around, except for the fact that the message will in no way be any sort of manipulation. Just two best friends catching up with each other. Although that is one word she uses rather frequently (I dont know if it's just my imagination that it's used more often than is normally called for): friend. Almost as if she's reminding me of my boundaries, though I have no clue if that's true or not. She told me she wasn't bothered by the way I felt, but I dunno. But being me, I have made no other mention of the way I feel to her but for that single time when I initially told her, and I'm so carefully diplomatic in the way I say some things now, so as not to make it awkward for her. I try to act as if my "confession" had never happened, try to write as I had before. I pretend to essentially have gotten over her and I'm just being a good friend to her. But damn me for a fool, I would tell her the truth if she asked. One of the worst things about that though is the fact that I don't know if she thinks I've gotten over her, or is just being delicate about it. And sometimes I read sommat she said and feel the embers of my dying hope flare into life, but I dunno if I'm reading into it or anything. Regardless, I treasure every word, every bit of every thing that she tells me in confidence, every joke, every word of wisdom, every peek into her life and her mind. Damn it, I'd go to hell and back for her! I am such a bloody damned fool.

Sorry. Extra venting there. I just needed to get that out of my system.